My addiction to you had made me do too many acts that haunt me. Too many tears, too much absolute self-hatred, too much self-harm and desperation. No good has come from you! Too many nights I can’t remember, far too many regrets, too many times that I let you make me into a person I am not. I believed you to be my life source but I let you only bring hell into my life. I made you my life and I honestly believed that I was nothing without you. The good times do not come close to making any of this worth it! I never imagined I would be addicted to you back then and I never imagines the darkness and desperation that I find myself in now. We enjoyed many good times in the early days but I wished we never shared those times! I realise now that these times were before I crossed the line with you and before you took my hand and led me to being utterly dependent on you. In any relationship, the times were not always bad. Mostly, you enabled me to focus and you quietened my sick mind. The most impossible part of saying goodbye flows from how in love I believed I was with the way you made me feel: you gave me confidence and a voice, you calmed me down when I needed and gave me energy when I needed. I believed wholeheartedly that you enabled me to cope and so it is extremely difficult to remove you from my heart. You take away all the feelings and emotions that I didn’t want to feel and that I couldn’t deal with. My darling, you are all that I have come to know and you have such incredible control that the minute I try the control away from you, you hit me even harder with your lies, manipulation, and cunningness and power. To end our relationship for once and all, I need to understand why it is so hard for me to let you go and to discover who I am without your power and control over every aspect of my life. These difficulties are the reasons why I have come running back to you in the past and the reason that I have never been able to break up with you for good. There are many reasons as to why saying goodbye to you will be so difficult. I feel as though one single goodbye will not suffice but rather that I am going to have to whisper goodbye to you over and over again, 100 times each day until I have ripped you from my life and soul for good. We have been living this life together for a while now, many years… almost 10, but I have to say goodbye, I have to let you go! You have been my life, my comfort, my joy, my rock bottom and my oxygen and so this goodbye is going to be so very difficult for me. I write you this letter to say goodbye, I have nothing left within me to carry on with this relationship.
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